The Movies I’m In

  "The Crying Mime" photo by Erick Andersen  

 I woke up this morning in the semi-darkness and began to regard the life that is going on around me and through me…inside of me and in spite of me.

     I felt as if I were seated in an empty theater until I realized that the crowd was present, they were simply on the screen.

     I watched myself as I interacted with each in various scenes and situations, and became aware that what I was witnessing was the movie of my life. I, being the main character, could pick and choose how I reacted to all of the secondary characters….how much power I handed them, how much I reacted to their monologues, tirades, humor, slights, praise, and sometimes love.

     No one had any control over my life, other than what I gave up to them, and the unseen Director was allowing each of the players to ad-lib their parts.

If I were ‘slapped’, I could choose to ‘turn the other cheek’, or I could slap back…and experience the consequences of either choice.

     I could choose to be hurt by words or allow the other players to have their own movies in which I was a minor part, and not take their words as a personal affront to MY well being. I AM THE MAIN CHARACTER in my movie, just as much as I am a ‘bit’ player in everyone else’s.

     Sometimes I felt an almost overwhelming sadness, not from a need for pity or understanding from my ‘supporting actors’, but from the observation that I so often, so wrongly, interpreted their actions, and took them to heart…allowed them to upstage me, so to speak, through my own analysis,  and separate myself  from my core..

     I’m afraid that my character has often mis-perceived his own, and others’ feelings of love, joy, fulfillment, success, frustration, desire, need…as realities, instead of the fleeting, non-corporeal expectations of a simple, searching human mind and heart. I have had a tendency to take personally the parts being played by others…to hand over the ‘lead’, un-wisely and un-necessarily.

     At times, when I’m able to remove myself from the screen and become the ‘audience’ of one, I yell at the  protagonist….”Change the way you’re looking at things!”, similar to my reaction while watching The Amityville Horror.   I would cry, “JUST LEAVE THE HOUSE! RUN AWAY!!!” (They DIDN’T leave the house, just as I sometimes seem unable to escape, or properly analyze the drama that unfolds before me….even though I know…!)

     I wonder how the other players evaluate their own parts?  I know that when I see other’s portrayals of me it is often far removed from my real disposition …but, when I’m the ‘bit’ player, I can only be perceived by the viewers eyes, not my own.

     I experienced a perfect example, many years ago, of how I, as the main character in my movie, differed greatly from the “I” who was a secondary character in someone else’s version. I had hurriedly thrown on some ragged shorts, a ‘holey’ t-shirt…..typical Saturday ‘puttering around the house’ attire…only I was going to make a quick trip to the market. I was told, “You are SO egotistical that you think you can go out wearing ANYTHING and look good!!!” The reality, from my ‘projector’ was that I didn’t have the slightest care what I looked like. I was merely going for milk, and thought it best to wear SOME sort of attire in public….

     I suppose in some analyses that might be considered egotistical…in mine, it was exactly the opposite.

     I believe THAT precise form of mis-interpretation occurs with each of us daily. Through our individual lenses we see and hear things…people…actions…words…, diffused by the prism of our experiences…each action separated into its’ basic components. If we choose to dwell on ‘violet’ instead of ‘yellow’, we find it hard to allow yellow to be possible. And we SO hate to have our opinions proven wrong…even when we might be better served by the truth, the combination of colors that create light.

     In MY movie, I hope to be better able to allow all others to play their parts, not at my bidding, but at my acceptance. If I play a small part in YOUR movie, I hope that you will see my light before it is broken into the various possibilities by the prism of your experiences…the true light that I try to project.

The reviews are still out…

     In the ‘Director’s Cut’, I imagine that my character would be perfect…perfectly flawed, but perfect…and I wouldn’t be surprised that your role would be played perfectly, also!


~ by rkpowers on May 13, 2010.

One Response to “The Movies I’m In”

  1. I enjoyed your perception ,, Like Shakespear sain, “All the worlds a stage and all the men and women are merely player; they have their exits and their entrances” Me .. I find myself wanting to be the director and telling everyone how to act . But alas, I am relagated to the audience where I belong… enjoying the passion play and skating away on the thin ice of the day..


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